A week later....

I still have no job offer.  I am still a top contender for a job that will require me to move to the other side of Dallas.  I have been positive and hopeful most of the week but today I woke up super congested and just not feeling like being positive.

I decided to just think about everything that is wrong with my life: no job, running out of money, super congested, just spent a lot of money on more allergy shots serum, my place is a mess, I did no food prep this week, oh I didn't read that speeding ticket I got last month as that had the instructions about my fine and what to do.  

I finally decided to get up around 8:30 when I was not as congested and walk to my couch.  I looked around and I thought of that island is a mess but went online looked at some jobs and a friend messaged me and asked if I was ok.  I told him I was trying to break free from feeling lazy and my  pitty party to which he promptly replied to put some Bruno Mars.  Guess what it worked.  I made a pina colada shake and started putting my dishes away and cleaned the island.  

It is amazing how just putting on some good music and cleaning an island can start to pull me out of that pit I was in.  I also realized that this is probably the best time for me to make those pillow cases I have been wanting to make for over a year.  I purchased some Angels and Disneyland fabric to make them but have not done so yet.  I also want to finish a wreath I started over a year ago and start and finish another one I have all the materials purchased.  Oh, and lets not forget decorate for Halloween!!!

My goals for this week:  

• Mental: stay positive
• Physical: a mile of physical activity
• Social: let someone know how they have been a + influence or help to me
• Spiritual: study last GC talks and 2 Corinthians 8 - 13

While I have not hit 100% on any of them I still have time to do so and will do it!!!  

Almost forgot tomorrow I am going to be fingerprinted and after that I will just need to wait 10 days to be able to substitute teach at Keller ISD.

Why I haven't posted or blogged

I have hit the wall a couple of times the last few weeks.  I try, I really have tried to be positive but you know being unemployed has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.

Some people told me not to quit my job without another job.  I thought I had something right around the corner and I also knew that my boss was creating a hostile environment for me.  I could have stayed but my peace of mind and health were not worth it.  Do I regret it, sometimes I do.  It is in those moments that I remember how miserable life can be when you are not in a healthy place and having stayed employed would have turned into misery.  I had been there before and was paid a lot more than I was so it wasn't worth it.

Fast forward to the last few weeks.  I have been the top contender for a few positions only to be told that there was concerns I wasn't it if for the long haul and I would move back to CA soon, or I was too qualified and would be bored, and once I was not qualified.

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed for a job that I really wanted, I wouldn't have to move and it sounded like a challenge and something I would enjoy.  I wont lie I felt the interview was just out of kindness or they felt they had to as they knew me as we had interacted in our professional career but I went anyways to give it my best shot.  I was so pumped and excited afterwards, I felt I had a chance and was told they would tell me the following week if I had the job.  

The following week came, and as the days went by, the insecurity that I was not good enough and that I didn't get the job came over me.  I tried not to be upset and kept looking.  Friday a little after 5, I got a call from this organization and my heart leaped with joy.  As we started the conversation, my joy went away and I felt dark and then heard the words that they really had a difficult decision as they were really impressed with my accomplishments but they felt another candidate would be a better fit for the position.  I was crushed and started tearing up.  The individual asked if I had any questions and I quickly said no thank you, I really appreciate you calling me after hours and I hope you have a great weekend.  I didn't want him to hear my voice cracking so we ended the call. 

So my weekend was a struggle with hanging around my apartment feeling discouraged and frustrated.  I moped around but by Saturday night I decided that I needed to just get myself together.  I am smart, resourceful and I need to be more positive.  I have had a couple of friends in CA and here in TX who have caught on as to how down I have been and have taken the time to give me pep talks and words of encouragement throughout this year, when I have needed them the most.  Surprisingly, I have also had friends who I would hope would reach out to me not do so and some who think I am having the time of my life and keeping busy.  I don't think they have realized that I am keeping busy binge watching Parks and Rec on Netflix or just laying in bed wondering how much longer I can be unemployed or feeling as if I am being punished for something.  I know, maybe they are struggling with their own issues but the one thing I have realized is that you just have to be a friend and reach out even when you don't feel like it.  That is my goal this coming week.

Sunday I heard a speaker at church who repeated the words I had started telling myself the night before.  I am a daughter of God, my possibilities are infinite if I just trust in him.  That has been my mantra this week.

I don't know why that job that was just around the corner in January fell through and the recruiter just ghosted me.  I never imagined I would be unemployed for this long.  I never imagined I would be applying for unemployment insurance and almost done with my savings and working part time at a job that pays so little (but my coworkers show me so much kindness).  I am learning a lot and I am just so grateful for those individuals who this week have helped me realize that I should blog and post about my silly, fun life.  Maybe, just maybe by sharing my journey I can give someone hope.

As I re read this I realize I am all over the place but then again that is ok.  You know why?  Because this is According to me and I am a daughter of God with infinite possibilities, even on this blog.

Unemployment Insurance Update

So the update on unemployment insurance is a bit long and way overdue.

I was awarded UI benefits and saw that my first payment was being distributed on Friday morning, August 2 and  I was elated (who gets excited about receiving UI?). 

As I was leaving that afternoon, I saw a call coming in from a TX number around 5PM and I answered it.  I mean I need to take a call from any TX number as it could be a call.  However, I was not right and it was not a potential employer.  Instead it was the TX Workforce Commission to let me know that my previous employer was appealing their decision.   They asked me if I had proof of me contacting them about my assignment ending and letting them know that I was available for work.  Instead of wanting to cry like I did with the initial call, I was angry that someone made an appeal and basically implied I had been lying.  I held my breath and said:  "Yes, yes, I do.  I have e-mails from the day I learned my assignment was ending and for them to start looking for another opportunity for me.  I have an e-mail reminding them each wee my assignment was ending and to keep me in mind for opportunities.  I have an e-mail on my last day when I submitted my final time card letting them know it was my last day and I was available for work."  The lady said that was good and it was important I faxed those by 6 PM on Monday.  I was still angry, and said it would be hard to find a fax and I would get the emails to her.  I also said, "I am so glad I have these e-mails because I can't imagine how I would prove that I contacted them if I had just called and spoken with someone or left a voice mail message."  
I asked her if they would need me to return my first payment and she said the check had been issued so I could spend it as she didn't think they would ask me for it back and she didn't know if they would or I could wait.  
So on a Friday afternoon, I went on a search for a fax machine.  Staples wanted to charge me about $20 for a fax but I found a Fed Ex that charged me $13.  
A couple of weeks later, I received another payment and I cashed the first check.  I am now responsible for doing three job searches a week so that I can receive my payment which is adjusted based on the earning of my pt job.
I can't believe I had to fight so hard for this benefit that I have never had to use.  

Jobless

My last day at the City of Keller was on January 3, 2019.  Didn't I love that job?  Yes, yes I did.  However, there were some management changes in my department and I no longer enjoyed the position I was hired for.  Do I regret leaving that position?  That is harder to answer but I will do my best.  I regret leaving without a job as I am still not employed but I do not regret leaving an environment that was not healthy for me.  I was the second of three individuals to leave so I think that speaks loud about the situation and it validates my decision for the need to resign and leave.

228 days later I am looking for a full time position.  It has been a bumpy ride and I didn't ever imagine it would be this long before I found a full time position.  I search and apply for jobs and even have interviews and final interviews but just can't seem to land a full time position.  Why?  Well here are some of the reasons:  I am a risk as I may move back to CA;  I am over qualified; I am under qualified; they can't pay me what I should be paid; it was a difficult decision but we are going with the other candidate.  Am I discouraged?  Heck yeah,  who wouldn't be?  I am not used to this much rejection and I have opened my search to anywhere in TX and even out to the west and still nothing.

I have attended networking events and as uncomfortable as it is, I do enjoy it. But I just haven't been able to get to the Southlake Focus Group because I am discouraged and not sure it is worth going - I really planned to go today but I just couldn't do it.

How do I keep busy ?  Well, when I am not down feeling like pond scum, I look for a job, attend networking events, and go to my part time job.  I am also fortunate to be able to spend time with friends and do some service here and there.  I make a mess in my home and try to clean it up.

How much longer can I go?  Not a whole lot longer and that is super scary to me.  I need things to turn around soon like tomorrow. 

What have I learned from this experience?  I think this has taught me that the old school practices I do like send thank you letters to people I interview is worth the time.  I have also learned to not be so wasteful with my money and food.  I truly have more things than I need and I don't need to buy everything I want.  This weekend I am going to start sorting and decluttering my place.  I am pretty good about that as I am known to get rid of things every six months but truth be told I have not done that since I moved to TX but I did acquire things and I need to reassess what I have and get rid of those extra items.  I have also learned that food storage is important.  While mine is not as traditional having a good inventory of the nutrition system I take on hand has been a money saver.  I still have a ways to go but I am slowly learning.

Unemployment Insurance

Here's the story I have never in my professional career filed for unemployment until a couple of weeks.  I thought the process went relatively smooth and easy.  I received my letter that I was eligible for the maximum payout which would be reduced if I worked and earned more than 25% of my eligible amount. 

I did start a retail job PT on July 1 and I just needed that to keep me busy. 

Fast forward to this weekend when I realized I had a voice mail message to call the Texas Workforce Commission.  So it turns out the employer I worked for on a contract position has stated I have not made myself available for work nor notified me. 

The gentleman who asked me some questions was very kind.  I answered his questions honestly and provided him with the dates of the e-mails and correspondence I have had with this organization.  He then provided me with what the employer responded and I just started to tear up. 

I feel like no matter what I just can't catch a break.  He was very sympathetic and told me a final decision had not been made and he would be providing my statement to the claim adjustor who would make a decision.  While it gave me some comfort I was still upset and the man was very kind 

So here I am about to pay my rent for this month and my bills, working a PT job that may reduce my UI benefits but extend them longer and wondering when will I get a job offer.  Everyone I meet with tells me how skilled and how knowledgeable I am.  

In order to receive UI benefits I have to do a job search for three jobs a week.  I do far more than that each week, just this morning I have applied for six jobs.  There were not random but I feel a greater urgency to land that job I need even more so if I am denied UI benefits.  Fortunately, this week I was able to pick up two more shifts at my PT job and I took them because I have no clue when and if I will get UI benefits. 

I never imagined I would find myself in this type of situation.  Do I have regrets - no not really, while I am discouraged and worried I have been in a happier and better place than when I was employed and deal with retaliation and a hostile environment. 

Why I Am Not Married

I was asked this earlier this year by a couple of cute girls I watched on Monday and Tuesdays.  I wasn't sure how to answer that but I did and I don't even recall what I said or how I said it.  However, that question has been asked of me several times this year and so I have been thinking about the M word. 

My mom had an affair with my stepdad and left my dad when I was 6, for my stepdad thinking she was wife #2.  The reality was that she was wife #3 as far as we know.  However, there were many women also in my dads life while he was married to my mom.  

Don't get me wrong my mom's first marriage was not perfect - whose is - my dad worked a lot and was an absent husband and father because of that.  

So somewhere between the age of 9 - 12 I decided I was never going to have kids or get married.  I mean all that would happen is you would get divorced, or have an affair.  Instead I was going to be a career person with lots of money and do anything I wanted. 

So anytime anything serious came along I would sabotage it the best way I could.  There was the one guy that I wrote to while he was on his mission and I eventually let my guard down and he told me I was too good form him, I had a good job, I was in college.  That broke my heart and even more so when out of the blue he called to let me know he was getting married and how he wasn't sure she was the right person since she didn't have all the things I did.  Then the other time I let my guard down and this boy was probably the most caring and supportive person to me - even after we broke up and he showed up to my dads funeral.  He was the one boy I came home after a date and told my roommate at that I didn't know when or how but one day I was going to marry him.  Only to break up with him later because well things were getting too physical and he wanted to maybe go on a mission.  I didn't want us to do something that would keep him from going so I told him we should break up when asked why I said the mission thing and he didn't accept that so I said the words I regret to this day - I just don't really like you.   Then there is TX my total train wreck - I have always known he was not marriage material but hoped maybe and well he just distracted me enough to almost let a decade go by but I will share more about that on another post. 

So fast forward to San Diego time and the talk President Monson during the priesthood session really hit home to me.  He acknowledged that there may be financial or emotional reasons for them to hesitate, or maybe they are just having too much fun — "taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends" — to settle down.
I felt that applied to me and I remember telling my friend Helaman that I was going to try to be open to dating and marriage but I got sidetracked with work and TX distracting me. 

So here I am 2019, eight years later and I have two little girls asking me why I am not married, do I want to be married.  I have my previous Elder quorum president asking me why I am not going to single activities - don't I want to get married, maybe my husband is praying for me to be at the activity.  I know you are rolling your eyes, I know I did and can't believe I am sharing. 

So the marriage topic has been on my mind.  I now understand what my sister in law once shared with me - her concern that I was not married and that she wanted me to have someone to grow old with and have companionship.  I remember thinking and maybe answering I have my nieces, family and friends I don't need a husband.  Guess what I have had a mind shift as I am understanding more about the companionship.  Maybe because for the first time in years I have not been a part of good friends that are single and support each other.  I have zero single male friends near me - and that has helped me realize that women and men do need that companionship.

In April I heard a talk titled Answers to Prayer.  In summary I was reminded that we have to ask God for our most earnest and worthy desires and remember that those prayers may not be answered in the way we hope, because he has a greater blessing in store.  And sometimes our righteous desires are not given in this life.  I also took a spin on that I have always been so vocal and adamant on all the reasons why I don't want to be married. 

In summary, since April I have taken a new outlook on the M word, I have thought of all the good examples of marriages, the positives of my parents marriage(s), and why I deserve a good companion and can be a good companion to that man.  That guy I said I would marry someday - well he married someone else so that option is out.  So who knows what may or may not happen.  Until then I will keep enjoying the single life and look forward to the future.

School is out and it is summer!!!!

You are probably wondering why I am excited about school being out and it being summer.  So let me explain.

There is no school traffic early in the morning so that is nice.  However, in early February my friend NS got a new job closer to home and needed help with someone to pick up her two girls from school on Mondays and Tuesdays.  I was not working and figured why not, I will do it until I get a job.  So for the past 15 weeks I have had the privilege to park on a crowded street and wait in line, or wait in a long line to get these two cute girls.  

While I have had these girls over for dinner and often said hi to them SS1 was always very shy and sometimes hide behind her mom.  However, as time went by I have seen her become more friendly with me.  I knew I was IN when she saw me somewhere and ran up and gave me a hug.  It totally caught me off guard and it was nice affirmation that we were friends.  The second time was when I was out with her mom and she wanted to talk to me - WHAT!!??  I will say this I felt like I was finally part of the cook kids when these two events happened.   SS2 was naturally friendly and outgoing.

I enjoyed picking these two friends up and I loved their conversations they started with me.  I think my most awkward moment was when they asked why I didn't have kids, followed by why wasn't I married and how they were going to find me a husband.  I felt like i was being called out by a first and second grader about my life choices and fears (I will talk about that in another post soon). 

For the most part we would have a little snack and SS2 even tried guacamole and liked it but asked me to promise to not tell her mom.  I didn't, and she did so it is ok that I post this here.  She was also the mixer of flavored water - it was quite fun.

They even used the pool with me - after living here a year I finally made it to the pool.  It was a warm day but the water was brrrr cold. 

Another fun memory is when my transmission started going bad I borrowed a car like mine but they didn't like it.  They thought it was older and didn't like how hot it was and we had to keep the windows rolled down to cool off on our 2 mile drive back to my place from their school.  They loved the rental car the best.  I think they like my new Sante Fe Hyundai.  Oh yeah, I forgot I did get a new car in April too.  I will share more about that on another post.

One of the last times we decided to not be couch potatoes and we went on a little hike and it was so fun.  It was probably the second time I walked on a Keller trail and I was eaten up and had little bites over my arms and legs. 

For the most parts in the afternoons, we watched a show on Netflix - A Series of Unfortunate Events.  We are somewhere in season 2 and I am unsure if I should continue watching without them or do we have parties. 

I mention parties because they did share with me the last week that they can now come over and have parties with me and go swimming, have snacks, and watch tv.  I think they have given up on finding me a husband.  

I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with these two sweet girls.  They reminded me about being patient, kind, and to stop and enjoy life.  It was not an inconvenience, it allowed me the opportunity to help someone and in the end it helped me stay sane and enjoy my Monday and Tuesday afternoons.