Why I Am Not Married

I was asked this earlier this year by a couple of cute girls I watched on Monday and Tuesdays.  I wasn't sure how to answer that but I did and I don't even recall what I said or how I said it.  However, that question has been asked of me several times this year and so I have been thinking about the M word. 

My mom had an affair with my stepdad and left my dad when I was 6, for my stepdad thinking she was wife #2.  The reality was that she was wife #3 as far as we know.  However, there were many women also in my dads life while he was married to my mom.  

Don't get me wrong my mom's first marriage was not perfect - whose is - my dad worked a lot and was an absent husband and father because of that.  

So somewhere between the age of 9 - 12 I decided I was never going to have kids or get married.  I mean all that would happen is you would get divorced, or have an affair.  Instead I was going to be a career person with lots of money and do anything I wanted. 

So anytime anything serious came along I would sabotage it the best way I could.  There was the one guy that I wrote to while he was on his mission and I eventually let my guard down and he told me I was too good form him, I had a good job, I was in college.  That broke my heart and even more so when out of the blue he called to let me know he was getting married and how he wasn't sure she was the right person since she didn't have all the things I did.  Then the other time I let my guard down and this boy was probably the most caring and supportive person to me - even after we broke up and he showed up to my dads funeral.  He was the one boy I came home after a date and told my roommate at that I didn't know when or how but one day I was going to marry him.  Only to break up with him later because well things were getting too physical and he wanted to maybe go on a mission.  I didn't want us to do something that would keep him from going so I told him we should break up when asked why I said the mission thing and he didn't accept that so I said the words I regret to this day - I just don't really like you.   Then there is TX my total train wreck - I have always known he was not marriage material but hoped maybe and well he just distracted me enough to almost let a decade go by but I will share more about that on another post. 

So fast forward to San Diego time and the talk President Monson during the priesthood session really hit home to me.  He acknowledged that there may be financial or emotional reasons for them to hesitate, or maybe they are just having too much fun — "taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends" — to settle down.
I felt that applied to me and I remember telling my friend Helaman that I was going to try to be open to dating and marriage but I got sidetracked with work and TX distracting me. 

So here I am 2019, eight years later and I have two little girls asking me why I am not married, do I want to be married.  I have my previous Elder quorum president asking me why I am not going to single activities - don't I want to get married, maybe my husband is praying for me to be at the activity.  I know you are rolling your eyes, I know I did and can't believe I am sharing. 

So the marriage topic has been on my mind.  I now understand what my sister in law once shared with me - her concern that I was not married and that she wanted me to have someone to grow old with and have companionship.  I remember thinking and maybe answering I have my nieces, family and friends I don't need a husband.  Guess what I have had a mind shift as I am understanding more about the companionship.  Maybe because for the first time in years I have not been a part of good friends that are single and support each other.  I have zero single male friends near me - and that has helped me realize that women and men do need that companionship.

In April I heard a talk titled Answers to Prayer.  In summary I was reminded that we have to ask God for our most earnest and worthy desires and remember that those prayers may not be answered in the way we hope, because he has a greater blessing in store.  And sometimes our righteous desires are not given in this life.  I also took a spin on that I have always been so vocal and adamant on all the reasons why I don't want to be married. 

In summary, since April I have taken a new outlook on the M word, I have thought of all the good examples of marriages, the positives of my parents marriage(s), and why I deserve a good companion and can be a good companion to that man.  That guy I said I would marry someday - well he married someone else so that option is out.  So who knows what may or may not happen.  Until then I will keep enjoying the single life and look forward to the future.