Depression - Homesick?

So the other evening I worked out with my trainer who has become concerned.  He is concerned that I am not myself lately.  Apparently I am not as energetic, excited as I usually am - I thought I was half asleep in the mornings.  He appreciates I don't talk about work because I work for the city and he technically does as a trainer at our city gym facilities.
I did share with him I think I am just in a funk.  To which he asked are you homesick and I said ah maybe a little.  Then he asked timidly if I would be open to considering I may be depressed.  

Which made me have a couple of thoughts in my reactions:
1. Wow a total stranger is concerned about me
2. Depression is real but yet people are willing to talk about it with hesitation
3. This is pretty cool.

So I would like to focus on number 2.

Depression is real and more people than we are probably even aware suffer from it.  I know because in 2016 I was diagnosed with depression by two professionals.  One was my primary care provider and the other was a therapist I talked to for almost a year.  

Prior to this post I have not shared this with too many people.  I have taken medication for it.  I have also been told it is not addictive.  

So here is the other confession with agreement from my current medical primary care provider I have gone off my medication because I have felt so much better since I moved to TX.  However, I am now wondering if I need this more than I realized I did.  If I am honest I have been in a funk this past month.  I kept telling myself it was the heat but I will be honest I am not sleeping as well at night but on the weekends I have no problem sleeping a good portion of the time (I thought maybe it was because I had insomnia during the week).  I am noticing I am being very introverted, I have a messy kitchen and clean clothes piled on my dinner table, and a messy car.  Not really messy but I just don't want to do anything.  So while I may not post this post publicly I am still taking a risk putting this out here.  

I have been embarrassed to let people know I was depressed and not happy when I was in CA but I now know people noticed.  I have been happy in TX and thought maybe I could be off my med but maybe just maybe I can't.  Maybe it is something I need.  I don't know something to think about and research.

I have also started doing energy healing.  I will blog about that this weekend.  

I do know one thing I am glad my trainer Zack was not afraid to ask the question and make me think about this.

Rough Week

Earlier this year I talked on the phone with my friend Keith Eddington, the Sunday after Sharon's funeral, when everyone had gathered at Hal and Melissa's home.  Keith was at home and couldn't go to Melissa's as he was not feeling well or maybe he was in the hospital.  I am not sure.  I do know that he and I had a conversation and we talked and I told him I would see him in a couple of months and everything would be good.  

When I visited CA in March, it was really important for me to honor my comment to him and see him.  When we saw him he didn't look well but he was optimistic, as was his wife Jodi, and I am sure he was in a lot more pain than he let on.  I can't imagine what the last three months have been for him but I was kept up to date by group texts or text from Cindy.  

So last week when Cindy texted me last Saturday to let me know Keith was back in ICU my heart sunk a little.  She let me know they would be fasting for him on Sunday.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints members fast the first Sunday of the month by abstaining from two meals.  During that time they can pray for spiritual guidance or for family or friends who are having trials.  I told Cindy I too would fast.  

Sunday came and I thought of Keith, my family and friends in CA and I just wanted everyone and everything to be OK.

Monday night, I received a text from Cindy letting me know that Keith was not doing well and people were taking turns at seeing him and my heart sunk.  

Tuesday morning at 7:57 AM Jodi sent a text out that the doctor called it and Keith had left this life.  I had the information relayed to me by Cindy three minutes later and I found myself angry, sad, grateful, and shocked.  

I was angry that six months after having lost my dear friend Sharon to cancer, I was once again losing another friend.

I was sad to feel helpless and to be so far away from my friends and that this year's pesto party that Melissa was planning around my visit to CA and Keith's health would not be the same without Keith there. 

Shocked that I was feeling the two feelings and also that in six months I have lost two dear friends.  We are not old (they are actually younger than me) and these are not deaths by accidents but just non discriminatory diseases.  

Grateful because I believe that through Christ's atonement we are able to repent for our sins and most importantly live with God and our families forever.  As well as the fact that I have no doubt that Keith knew he mattered to me and I valued him as a friend.  I remembered he was surprised that I took the time that I did to go see him when I was in CA for a quick trip - I remember telling him I knew he would be better because we would have an all nigher pesto party to celebrate him being well, the next time I was in town.

Well, I will be going home in September and I do hope Melissa will still have a pesto party to celebrate the friendships that we have maintained through the years.  Some of us have stronger bonds with different people but because of that bond we all enjoy spending time together, talking and laughing.  I think Keith and Sharon would want us to continue celebrating life and making memories with our family and friends.

I know one thing, I will miss Keith initiating the inappropriate jokes and comments which keeps things real in our conversations.  I will also miss listening to him discuss world events with a passion and knowledge as well as spiritual thoughts he had.  Most of all I will miss him giving me a hard time and giving me words of encouragement to keep going and not give up.  One thing I realized is that he is probably one of the few friends that is LDS that my family would have enjoyed meeting as he would have joined in with an inappropriate joke and would have been right in there laughing and joking along and had some deep insightful conversation.  Because he was just that guy that accepted all for who they were.

I won't lie I am surprised at how much my heart aches at having lost these two friends in a short span of time.  

I once again wish I could be in CA to be with my friends celebrating the life of one of the good ones.  I may not be there in person but I will be thinking of all of you. 

I have had feelings of guilt for having moved to TX so far from my family and friends.  The hardest thing about being so far away is not being able to just get in my car and drive to be with those you love and want to be with at times like this.  I just know that where I am is where I am supposed to be for some reason right now.  

I know I will see Sharon and Keith again but right now it still doesn't make it easy to not miss them.  I will just be grateful that I was lucky to have them in my life for a very short time. 
The silver lining in this week was that my youngest niece Natalie and my brother Ken stopped for the night at my place last night.  I didn't share this with them as I just wanted to enjoy being with them.  I enjoyed showing them Town Hall where I work before they headed off on their drive to CA.  I hope they will give the rest of the family a big hug from me.  Their hugs took away some of the longing I had for home.