25 days

I have my ACL surgery.  Which is something I have been putting off because of work and moving etc.  My previous surgeon at La Jolla Scripps - Laura Alberton was amazing but since I now live up in OC she referred me to two doctors.  

I picked Dr, Sharon Hame and was able to see her on 9/28.  The appointment was a bit intimidating as I have been having pain at the end of the day just from being at work.  I am sure I may have twisted it or something bug wondered what if it is all in my imagination.  A student from UCI or resident that was doing a rotation at UCLA came in and met me and did and examination and apparently I had a hard time relaxing my knee.  I finally did and he did his exam and there was some pain and he left saying he would be back with Dr Hame. 

They then came in and we talked about my injury , my surgery and what I was experiencing.  She then examined my knee and did a few different things and some kind of hurt. She said we would need to do an MRI so she knows what we need to fix.  As I waited for the nurse to come in with the paperwork a resident came in and asked if he could check my knee as Dr. Hame had asked him to see me;back on the table I went and had it checked.  I might add one of the ways Dr. Hame checked it was with it off the table, placing it against the table to see how it moved.  Although it hurt it also showed my knee is not good - yay i was not imagining.

So my MRI was done the next day.  I don't know what the MRI showed but I did hear back from her office this week after playing phone tag to get let me know the first available surgery date was 11/5/15.  I of course was a bit surprised and caught off guard but said OK I will take it.    

The next two weeks will be busy and I am going to be getting ready. I am nervous as I saw a picture of someones leg who had the same surgery and yet still had problems and had to have a complete knee replacement.  I also thought of the lady in my old ward who also had issues.

So there you have it my 4th time having surgery and I will probably do more blogging during this time.

Discovering more about where I was born

On March 20 something (a few days before my birthday)in 1997 I found out I was adopted.  I didn't find out the conventional way where your parents sit you down and tell you.  I found out through the course of reading a deposition where an individual chose to make some statements.  One of them being that I was adopted but my parents never wanted me to know.

As I reflect on this event I realize that this individual had a choice to honor a secret she had been trusted with.  She knew this would hurt me and chose to just lay it out there where I would see it in black and white and not have second thoughts.

Ironically this same individual had hinted about this in June of 1996.  I thought she was talking about my stepdad adopting me.  I said something about oh yeah, I know he didn't adopt me.  She followed it up with - oh you don't know.  I thought it was an odd statement which bothered me enough to call one of my mom's sister who was in Europe and my cousin that I spoke with told me that was nonsense.

So when I read those words in 1997, I once again dialed my aunt's number and she answered.  We had some small talk and then I asked her.  There was silence.  As soon as she started to speak and say "I don't know how to tell you this"  I said "It's OK your silence said it all".  She quickly told me how my mom loved me more than anything in the world and it was a different time and it didn't matter if I was adopted because I was her daughter.  So far not that devastating right?  OK maybe a little, but the thing that sent me over the edge was having a cousin who is 9 months younger than me call to check on me and than ask me why I didn't ask her ?  When I asked why, and if she knew; she responded "yes, since I was little but we were not allowed to tell you.  That was it I felt my life had been a lie and everybody knew but me.

It was hard because of other events surrounding this and also knowing there was nobody I could ask questions.  My mom had already passed away, my stepdad had also passed away and the man I thought was my biological father - well I haven't seen him since I was about 12 years old.  

This was probably a dark period in my life but that's another story.

Fast forward to 2015.  I have never had the desire to find my biological parents.  I think because I recognize that it would be difficult since I had no leads and nobody wanted to talk about it.  Recently I shared this story with some friends and the next day I learned a little bit more about my adoption.

As I was about to hear this, I could feel my heart beating a little bit faster and thinking - get ready you are about to find out who gave you life and started tearing up.  Then I heard how my parents had tried for years to have a child but had no success but a person had a baby they wanted to give up for adoption.  My parents than went off to pick me up.  At first this individual didn't remember where they had to go. 

I then shared with them about how I thought maybe I was from the town where my mom had been a teacher.  I had recalled that at least two times we went to visit this family of one of her students.  I never really knew why or maybe she didn't tell me; but I remember thinking it was odd and they made a fuss over our visit.  I also remember that I once found a picture of their family - at least I thought that then but I am unsure where the picture is and maybe I am confused.

Anyways, I now know I was born in or somewhere near Orizaba, Veracruz. 

I still remain grateful for my parents and consider them my parents and I still don't have a strong desire to try to find my birth parents but I am a little more curious as to what the circumstances where and if there was a connection with that family we visited.

I am contemplating if I should do some research but I have not clue what I would do.  I mean my birth certificate has my adoptive parents on it so it's not like I can go look for one.  I suppose I could go to this town but that would be difficult to find someone and I wouldn't know what to say or who to ask. 

So if you have any suggestions - let me know.  I don't want to spend a lot of money but maybe it would be worth learning more about who my ancestors are.

South Bay Trainer

OK so this post is going to be a hard one to write but I think I need to do it.  It is hard, because it is about a personal challenge I have dealt with during my adult life.  Fat, obesity, out of shape call it whatever you would like; it is a real struggle for some people, one of them being me.

I was not an out of shape or fat kid growing up.  I rode my bike all over the place and even did so in my early young adult years.  Than I became more sedentary and I also learned to do emotional eating.

I have done Phen Phen, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutri-System, Take Shape for Life and worked with many trainers.  

I have had successful weight loss and managed to keep it off for a while but sometimes I am just not comfortable with the attention it brings.  So eventually I just gain it back because I stop  being active or life was just stressful.

When I moved to San Diego in 2011, I vowed to myself I would become more physically active and lose some weight.  Well that had to be put on hold because I was notified by my physician that I was seriously anemic and to not work out. 

Once that obstacle was over I was too stressed out at work with audits and new responsibilities.  Unhealthy meal choices are always readily available and more convenient so I continued to bad choices for convenience and there was not time to exercise.

In early 2013 I had gall bladder issues and soon recovered from that and started to think about making a change.  However, the day before Thanksgiving that year I fell down a few steps which was probably due to my ACL going out ( I had been having knee pain and a few seconds before I feel - I thought ok next week I need to have my knee checked.  It is a blessing that I didn't fall from the top and that the fall did not result in a serious injury.  

As I started my PT after my surgery in 2014 I was excited to be able to ride a stationary bike and enjoyed going to the gym to ride but I was intimidated of really working out.  I was at my heaviest and knew how to workout but I lacked confidence because of the weight I had reached.  I didn't want people to see me or worse yet be the pun of a joke or a thought - girl, you need to be here all day.  


On May 4th I returned to our Torrance site for a new position.  I have less responsibilities (but I am willing to step up to the plate when needed) and I am doing a job that I really enjoy.  

I decided it was time to put myself and my health first..  A couple of days after I got settled in at my office I kept thinking I needed to get a trainer. I looked at the prices of 24 hour fitness (I donate generously each year without using their services, because one day I will be back) and thought OK I can afford this but not long term and I need a trainer for a long term to keep me accountable.  I began doing some research on Yelp and started looking for trainers.near my office.  I called a few but I got the best positive feeling about South Bay Trainer.  I made an appointment to meet with the owner Josh.

I wont lie, my insecurities kicked in as I went in to meet him but they quickly faded. I met with his wife and she shared with me why he was doing what he did for a living. The way I saw him interacting with his clients he came across as energetic, supportive, compassionate and someone who was doing something he enjoyed - helping others become healthier or more fit.  

I have been going there since mid May, my weight loss hasn't been as steady as I would like it to be but I feel better physically.  I am the only one to blame for the slow weight loss and maybe that is a topic for another posting.  So on the days when I am exhausted and the last thing I want to do is go work out at 7 pm or later, I do it!  Yes, there have been times I started driving home and I turn right around to get my work out in.  

Why? 

Because South Bay Fitness is not your typical gym where an out of shape overweight individual will be intimidated by women who have worked hard at having a fit body and somehow manage to not have a hair out of place or be sweating.  Or with buff men grunting and slamming down the weights.  Don't get me wrong I am not bashing but just trying to get you to visualize what some of you may have seen and it has kept you from going to the gym.  .

What I do see in the evenings (and you will too if you go) is the following.  I am cheerfully greeted by Josh and any member of his staff.  I smile and sometimes laugh when I hear Tylor dancing or busting out the lyrics to a song.  Terrion the MMA fighter is super nice but I have yet had the privilege to work out with him, and Amanda who makes me work on my balance and tells me I will thank her making me do so.  Eventually you will see familiar faces that may go around the same days and time as you.  You will talk and laugh with each other and encourage each other and moan at how hard they are working us.  Basically It is a friendly and healthy community that is made up of all ages, nationalities, and all walks of life. that give South Bay Trainer a positive energy of support and encouragement.  

So when you see me check in at South Bay Fitness on Facebook, it is not because I am showing off..It is more to remind myself of my workouts and keep focused of how far I have come in slowly committing myself to working out.  

So if you are in the South Bay area and you are looking for a positive place to work out go check it out.  If you are like me and are intimidated to take that BIG step to get back in a gym don't be.  If you are not in the South Bay area just know that there is another Josh out there who has built a community to help you get in shape.   

I was not asked to write this by anyone.  It is something I have thought about blogging about and tonight I felt inspired to do so.  I don't know why maybe just to give someone a bit of encouragement and hope. Who doesn't want to share something great that they have found in their life.  I have found South Bay Trainer and for me it is a great place to go and want people to know about this amazing place.  

#southbaytrainer
http://southbaytrainer.com/

Ava Mae

This past month my long time friends mother passed away.  Cathy is one of my friends that I have known for the longest time (we met in the playground at Cawthon).  

Growing up we were inseparable and spent hours riding our bikes around Cypress, Buena Park and Anaheim - or maybe not.  In other words we did, but we were not supposed to do that. We are now adults and in our own worlds but I still cherish the friendship and the memories we created in our youth.

This past month Ava (Cathy's mom) passed away.  It was not unexpected but as with any person's passing it was surprising.  

Fortunately I was able to attend the Rosary the night before her service but from the time I received the text that she had passed I just had a flood of memories and feeling come over me.  

As I remembered her driving us to catechism, Skateway or wherever else we wanted or needed to go.  She was the one person that took me to play Bingo at St I for the first time.  For some reason, I also can remember her saying " Now, girlls" just to get our attention.  I also remember the year she bought us matching sweatshirts for Christmas   As we got older she would call us and ask us to go help her at whatever store she was working and needed help (she was a manager for Jack in the Box).  So thanks to those cleaning days I refuse to eat there.  I've cleaned those grills no way am I eating there because I know neither Cathy or I are cleaning them.

It was nice to be there and recall all those memories and the kindness this family offered me in my youth.  It also surprised me at how I truly mourned all over again for my mom.  A couple of weeks before that another good friends dad had passed and I was surprised at how it impacted me and maybe that was just to prepare me for this event.  

So no matter what you may believe about life - I just want you to know that I know we will see those who have passed before us again.  I know they are watching over us and no longer in pain.  Yes, it is sad for us as we are separated for a short while but we will be together again.  

Oh and for a couple of hours I was once again spending time with my childhood friend once again - hopefully bringing her some comfort during this trying time and feeling gratitude for having had her and her family in my life.

What's going on?

I am not quite sure why but I just haven't made blogging a priority. Sure, I think of great things I can write about when I am driving to work and there's an abandoned RV from the 70's on Lomita creating traffic.  Or when I am laughing at some random text or email from a friend.  Yet I come online and I have noting.  Yeap, you read that right nothing to write.

So let me summarize my life as best as I can:

Work - I am enjoying my new position.  Less stress, less late hours, and no company cell phone.  Mind you my boss is gone this coming week so I worked until 8:30 pm on Friday night and have a presentation to do on Wednesday yikes!

Gym time - when my work day ends around 6ish on Mondays, Wednesdays and noonish on Fridays I head to South Bay Trainer.  I train with Josh and he is great.  He pushes me but we also have fun with the different trainers singing, dancing, or taking about sensitivity training.  I am not achieving the goals I had hoped to accomplish by now but I feel better and I am enjoying working out.

Church - well I can officially say that I have not had what I call a true full time calling for about a year.  Sure I was a primary substitute teacher and a temple prep class in my last ward but that ended last November.  I stopped working at the San Diego temple last April; so yeah I have a lot of free time.  It feels odd but it is also kind of nice.  I am in a family ward (C1) and it is OK.  A lot of new faces and a lot of familiar and time has not stopped.  Young kids I taught in primary are now in high school, kids I taught in Sunday school or Young Women are married and having children.  I tend to go to the singles ward as well as that is where I get the social aspect of church life.  As well as it provides me with possibilities to see San Diego friends.

Travel - no real trips to speak off and I have not been to Vegas since May.  So I am thinking my goal that went from every month to 2 times each quarter has come to a complete halt.  I am going on my third cruise and while it will only be a weekend cruise I know it will be a lot of fun..

Reconnecting - I am enjoying seeing long time friends I have not seen in a while now that I am back in OC,  While it is great to be back and see long time friends  it is also odd to know some of my dearest friends are no longer living in OC much less CA.  Oh, and I do miss San Diego.  Probably the sweetest thing that has occurred while I have been back is that my friend son's R stayed here for a week.  Every night he would keep an eye on the street and when I came home he was waiting for me on the sidewalk.  He would greet me, offer to carry my gym bag and ask me about my day.  That is probably one of my tender memories created this summer.  Having kids around is SweeT!  

ACL - still no surgery.  I am trying to find a new surgeon so this week I am following up to see if they have received my medical records so I can make an appointment.  I really want to get this done but as I have been reading up on it I have to be honest and say I am a bit worried about the recovery time.

Disney - I bit the bullet and bought a pass to Disneyland.  This place brings me happiness.  It reminds me of going there with my mom and just having fun.  I went on the hottest most humid day of August and melted.  As we walked around I thought of the many times I have been there.  I also kept thinking the first time I went to Disneyland was probably around August with my mom and dad when I was maybe 5.  So it made me happy with my choice to buy a pass and just enjoy the Magic Kingdom.

Reunion - so apparently next year I have a high school reunion.  I am going to help plan it again.  So if any of you have great ideas as to what has been a fun reunion for you please please let me know.

Family - Well we are all over the place.  N is in Gerogia and has started her junior year in college, S is living in Marina Del Rey, L is in Santa Barbara or Davis, K&E are in Palm Desert and I am floating trying to figure things out.  My family in Mexico is also scattered all over.  We keep in contact by FB or email.  

So there you have it a small glimpse into my life.    

Oh, as for that RV it really was blocking the Northbound traffic on Lomita on my way to work one morning.  On my way home that night - it was blocking the street going Southbound.  Weird.  It made me realize I need to carry my camera with me so I can document and post the pictures and maybe that will get me blogging.

My heart aches a little tonight for a family that has been a great influence in my life.

So today was a busy day at work - when isn't it?  I have been in training for two days and have stayed later than usual to respond to e-mails and get some tasks done once I am done as tomorrow is my Friday.

I try not to be on social medial during work hours and today was a perfect day of not doing this.  I arrived home and sat in exhaustion and thought time to get in bed and relax.  Which was promptly followed by... I need to check FB!!

The first post was from one of my friends who along with her parents, siblings and extended family, I credit and consider one of the greatest influences in my life.  They are the Browns.  The post I saw was posted around 7ish DST; I am in CA and it read:  

Today I lost my hero. I know it's all part of the plan but it's still hard to say goodbye to the man who taught me everything. I'm grateful that he taught me that families are forever. I know I will see my dad again. I know that while we mourn a great reunion is taking place in heaven. I love you Dad! You are my hero!

As I read this and tried to absorb what I read, my phone quickly updated with more feeds and I found myself in shock, gratitude and sudden sadness for a couple of reasons.  

The first being that I never really had the opportunity to tell Byron (Barney) Brown ho thankful I was for the way he chose to live his life, raise his children and how warmly he welcome me not only into his home but into his family.  

I loved spending time at their home on San Marino Drive in Buena Park.  He would greet me and ask me how I was doing and we would chat.  He would tell me stories about what was going on; or share something to just build my testimony about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, or how he met his wife, their courtship, how they married, how the Cypress Stake came to be and just anything.  All these stories helped me set goals and have appreciation for many things.

I have been thinking for a couple of years that I wanted to go visit him and tell him and his wife Helen (Breezy) the above.  I almost had a chance when I visited TX a few years ago but as luck would have it, they were in CA visiting family  

The second was more for not being able to be close by to this dear family and be of service to them and my dear friend Liz.  

Well she and her family were there for me when my mother passed away and were there again a couple of years later when my step dad passed away.  

I have never forgotten the feeling of comfort Byron, Breezy, Liz and their son in law Joe gave me on that Sunday morning on December 26 almost 22 years ago.  A few days later, Liz and her nieces and nephews and I went to a YSA dance to celebrate NYE. Members of the family checked on me, gave me words of encouragement and  comforted me that night. 

Tonight, as I felt tears streaming down my face, I looked at the time and realized Liz may or may not be sleeping as it was almost 8:30 DST making it close to 11 TX time.  Honestly who sleeps on days like this but just in case she was I didn't want to disturb her.  I thought of posting on her FB status but I couldn't do it.  Why?  Because, I really wanted to be there for her like she was for me when I lost my parents.  

So I opted to text and quickly got a call back.  And you know she was her father's daughter being positive and comforting me. 

As we talked we recalled different times I had been to her home and just acts of service her father did such as bearing his testimony to me, telling me stories about church history, his life, and even coming to get a gun out of a dresser drawer we came across when cleaning my dad's stuff (which really wasn't a gun but rather a BB gun).  He laughed and told me it was ok and he was glad I felt I could ask him for help.  Yes, that is the kind of man Barney was to me:  Someone unselfish and willing to serve others.  

He instilled the values of working hard, serving and gratitude not only in his children but in those who came to know him. 

I am sort of ready to go to TX for a quick trip.  I want the Brown family to know how much I love them and I am grateful for them.  My heart aches a little, because I am not nearby to serve and support them but also because I too will miss this man who has been a great influence in my life and I never had a chance to tell him what an impact he had on my life. 
  
Thank you Barney for being a part of my life - you lived your life well and left an amazing legacy behind that will impact many lives in a positive way.  I am sure my mom is probably meeting you and thanking you for welcoming me into your home and being a positive influence to me after she left this mortal life. 

To those who managed to get through this, babbling thank you for reading and I encourage you to let those around you know how grateful you are for them.  Strive to be the kind of person that will be a positive influence on those that come in contact with you.  Be the example that Byron "Barney" Brown was to those who had the privilege to meet him.

Thank you for the tips

Thank you to those that reached out and gave me a few tips on how to be direct with Honda.  So, as I mentioned I had a few texts from him by the time I got home from dinner and it is only a 15 minute drive.
So I didn't respond to the text I received on Thursday night letting me know he had a great night and he hadn't heard from me so he hoped that wasn't a bad sign followed by a smiling face.
The next morning (Friday) he texted me letting me know he would not bother me anymore as I have not texted back and thanked me for having dinner.  I felt a bit of guilt but I also though I sure hope you are true to your text.  He had done this before a few weeks ago and then texted me to tell me how he had been having a bad day etc (actually quite a few texts) and I eventually responded that his behavior was not acceptable and I was not interested but I got suckered.  So as I had anticipated a few hours later he texted AGAIN telling me this was the last time he was texting me, he had a nice time but apparently I didn't and have fun with my family this weekend.  Oh and he hopes to hear from me again and spend time together.  
I have not texted, nor have I blocked his number as some have suggested  I have decided to take a break from online dating.