Sometimes It Is OK To Let One, Two, Three Or ALL The Plates Fall To The Ground....Eventually You have to Pick Them Up

We have so many things going on in our lives as we juggle all the responsibilities between our personal lives, work, school, volunteering etc.  I know I do.  People think that because I am single life is easy and you know I wont lie at some times it is and others it is not.  It just depends on what is happening and where you are mentally and spiritually.

The past few months I have been juggling things and I have been doing my best to keep the plates up in the air.  I can't lie I dropped a plate and I tried to cover it as I didn't think anyone would notice and you know what?  Nobody did.  The plate I dropped was probably more of a serving dish.  I was disappointed and sad that out off all the plates I dropped it was the one that mattered to me the most because of what it represents in my life. 

Dropping this dish had a ripple effect in my ability to juggling the other dishes.  Before I knew it you could see all the broken dishes in my home.  I cared and I tried to pick them up but no matter how hard I tried I just felt like I was getting nowhere.  

Only a couple of people knew I was struggling juggling my dishes but I don't think they knew I had let the dishes fall and break all over my home.  Then there was the weekend when some dear friends came over for the first time and boy was I embarrassed.  That week I vowed I would pick up all the dishes but it was so hard to do and it fell so impossible.

This weekend I felt the weight of the dishes as I was worn out and battling with my allergies.  Yet, today I did my best to put the serving dish back together and I felt good about this. 

When I arrived in Texas it was during the freeze and it felt good - I was not congested very much and things were good.

Then this past Spring I started being more congested and going through more Flonase Nasal Spray in a short period.  I also started having more sinus headaches and trouble sleeping because of my congestion.

I saw a doctor and I was given a shot and was told she would refer me to an allergist but I have not heard anything about an allergist. 

So I took matters into my own hands and I went to an allergist.  I saw her two weeks ago and had my allergy test.  Have you ever had an allergy test? 

So I had the test done on my back.  A drop of the allergen is pricked on the surface of the skin.  The test was done on my back.  I started feeling itching almost immediately and then the second section I felt another area itching even more, by the final section I felt a lot of itching and the last section had one that itched more than all the others.  I was told we had to wait 20 minutes. 

20 minutes later the doctor came in to let me know I was right about the things I was allergic to but that she had to test some on my arm because some of the redness and swelling spread into others so it was difficult to see if I had a true allergy to something else.  So after another 20 minutes she came back to let me know I was an overachiever.  I am off the charts allergic to at least one or two things for each season in TX.  On a scale from 1 - 4 I scored a 4++++ on a few.  So after she asked me how long I was planning in living in TX, she told me I have a few options:  take some medicines ongoing or do that with a mix of allergy shots that may take 3 - 5 years.  So while I save some money for my allergy shots, I am taking some drugs.  

Mind you I am still very allergic to dust so I now have to dust and vacuum regularly as well as make sure I change my linens every one to two weeks.  I am struggling most with the dusting and a little with the vacuuming.  I already changed my linens once a week ( I was grossed out when I heart two weeks) but now sometimes think of changing them after 3 nights but after one week of doing that  I decided weekly is much better.  I am changing my towels after two showers, it used to be three.  So, yeah I guess I am a little OCD.  

Depression - Homesick?

So the other evening I worked out with my trainer who has become concerned.  He is concerned that I am not myself lately.  Apparently I am not as energetic, excited as I usually am - I thought I was half asleep in the mornings.  He appreciates I don't talk about work because I work for the city and he technically does as a trainer at our city gym facilities.
I did share with him I think I am just in a funk.  To which he asked are you homesick and I said ah maybe a little.  Then he asked timidly if I would be open to considering I may be depressed.  

Which made me have a couple of thoughts in my reactions:
1. Wow a total stranger is concerned about me
2. Depression is real but yet people are willing to talk about it with hesitation
3. This is pretty cool.

So I would like to focus on number 2.

Depression is real and more people than we are probably even aware suffer from it.  I know because in 2016 I was diagnosed with depression by two professionals.  One was my primary care provider and the other was a therapist I talked to for almost a year.  

Prior to this post I have not shared this with too many people.  I have taken medication for it.  I have also been told it is not addictive.  

So here is the other confession with agreement from my current medical primary care provider I have gone off my medication because I have felt so much better since I moved to TX.  However, I am now wondering if I need this more than I realized I did.  If I am honest I have been in a funk this past month.  I kept telling myself it was the heat but I will be honest I am not sleeping as well at night but on the weekends I have no problem sleeping a good portion of the time (I thought maybe it was because I had insomnia during the week).  I am noticing I am being very introverted, I have a messy kitchen and clean clothes piled on my dinner table, and a messy car.  Not really messy but I just don't want to do anything.  So while I may not post this post publicly I am still taking a risk putting this out here.  

I have been embarrassed to let people know I was depressed and not happy when I was in CA but I now know people noticed.  I have been happy in TX and thought maybe I could be off my med but maybe just maybe I can't.  Maybe it is something I need.  I don't know something to think about and research.

I have also started doing energy healing.  I will blog about that this weekend.  

I do know one thing I am glad my trainer Zack was not afraid to ask the question and make me think about this.

Rough Week

Earlier this year I talked on the phone with my friend Keith Eddington, the Sunday after Sharon's funeral, when everyone had gathered at Hal and Melissa's home.  Keith was at home and couldn't go to Melissa's as he was not feeling well or maybe he was in the hospital.  I am not sure.  I do know that he and I had a conversation and we talked and I told him I would see him in a couple of months and everything would be good.  

When I visited CA in March, it was really important for me to honor my comment to him and see him.  When we saw him he didn't look well but he was optimistic, as was his wife Jodi, and I am sure he was in a lot more pain than he let on.  I can't imagine what the last three months have been for him but I was kept up to date by group texts or text from Cindy.  

So last week when Cindy texted me last Saturday to let me know Keith was back in ICU my heart sunk a little.  She let me know they would be fasting for him on Sunday.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints members fast the first Sunday of the month by abstaining from two meals.  During that time they can pray for spiritual guidance or for family or friends who are having trials.  I told Cindy I too would fast.  

Sunday came and I thought of Keith, my family and friends in CA and I just wanted everyone and everything to be OK.

Monday night, I received a text from Cindy letting me know that Keith was not doing well and people were taking turns at seeing him and my heart sunk.  

Tuesday morning at 7:57 AM Jodi sent a text out that the doctor called it and Keith had left this life.  I had the information relayed to me by Cindy three minutes later and I found myself angry, sad, grateful, and shocked.  

I was angry that six months after having lost my dear friend Sharon to cancer, I was once again losing another friend.

I was sad to feel helpless and to be so far away from my friends and that this year's pesto party that Melissa was planning around my visit to CA and Keith's health would not be the same without Keith there. 

Shocked that I was feeling the two feelings and also that in six months I have lost two dear friends.  We are not old (they are actually younger than me) and these are not deaths by accidents but just non discriminatory diseases.  

Grateful because I believe that through Christ's atonement we are able to repent for our sins and most importantly live with God and our families forever.  As well as the fact that I have no doubt that Keith knew he mattered to me and I valued him as a friend.  I remembered he was surprised that I took the time that I did to go see him when I was in CA for a quick trip - I remember telling him I knew he would be better because we would have an all nigher pesto party to celebrate him being well, the next time I was in town.

Well, I will be going home in September and I do hope Melissa will still have a pesto party to celebrate the friendships that we have maintained through the years.  Some of us have stronger bonds with different people but because of that bond we all enjoy spending time together, talking and laughing.  I think Keith and Sharon would want us to continue celebrating life and making memories with our family and friends.

I know one thing, I will miss Keith initiating the inappropriate jokes and comments which keeps things real in our conversations.  I will also miss listening to him discuss world events with a passion and knowledge as well as spiritual thoughts he had.  Most of all I will miss him giving me a hard time and giving me words of encouragement to keep going and not give up.  One thing I realized is that he is probably one of the few friends that is LDS that my family would have enjoyed meeting as he would have joined in with an inappropriate joke and would have been right in there laughing and joking along and had some deep insightful conversation.  Because he was just that guy that accepted all for who they were.

I won't lie I am surprised at how much my heart aches at having lost these two friends in a short span of time.  

I once again wish I could be in CA to be with my friends celebrating the life of one of the good ones.  I may not be there in person but I will be thinking of all of you. 

I have had feelings of guilt for having moved to TX so far from my family and friends.  The hardest thing about being so far away is not being able to just get in my car and drive to be with those you love and want to be with at times like this.  I just know that where I am is where I am supposed to be for some reason right now.  

I know I will see Sharon and Keith again but right now it still doesn't make it easy to not miss them.  I will just be grateful that I was lucky to have them in my life for a very short time. 
The silver lining in this week was that my youngest niece Natalie and my brother Ken stopped for the night at my place last night.  I didn't share this with them as I just wanted to enjoy being with them.  I enjoyed showing them Town Hall where I work before they headed off on their drive to CA.  I hope they will give the rest of the family a big hug from me.  Their hugs took away some of the longing I had for home.  

When did men and women stop needing each other as friends?

Hey there, so this is a post with a serious question.

One of the things I am grateful for is having had male friends who like me are also single.  Being single can be hard for some and for me it has been fun.  However, I do enjoy having a male friend that I can go to a sporting event, concert, dinner or invite to be my +1 to a work event, or have me make a car repair or car buying decision.  

Luckily with that said, I am fortunate that I have married friends who I am friends with both the wife and husband and sometimes I actually have more in common with the husband.  I am even extremely lucky when their relationship is established on trust and that trust is extended to me and the wife does not think twice about me and the husband going to a sporting event as well as always makes sure I know I can count on them for help.  

With that said it is not the same as having a male friend who is also single and you can just call or text and be normal with.  I was fortunate to had that in CA with a long time work acquaintance that we came to refer to each other as work husband / wife.  We would help each other out at work and in our personal life - I would help with making appointments for him and he would help me with advise on car repairs etc. and we would go out to dinner and happy hours.  Then there was my church friend - Dreamy Chris who I really thought was stuckup and self centered as we were in the same stake and had mutual friends but he never really hung around or seemed friendly.  When we finally had the opportunity to establish a friendship I learned my assumption of him was 180 degrees off.  He was so loved by people because of how charitable, kind, caring, and helpful he is.  We would talk about the Gospel, encourage each other, go out to dinner, go to the temple, baseball games, was willing to drive on the 91 at rush hour with me so I could pick up my niece in Moreno Valley so we could see the Twilight Movie at midnight in Buena Park, and was there for me when I had to have a biopsy and was super scared.  So I miss my work husband who still lives in CA and Dreamy Chris who moved to ID a while back.  

When I moved to TX I thought I had at least three possibilities of male friends who could fill in those shoes (they are big shoes to fill) but the reality is so far all three possibilities have not fanned out.  One moved away for work and I am super happy for him; the other travels a lot for work and is rarely in town and while he is very apologetic, I don't think he realizes how sad it makes me that we don't get to do things we talked about doing; and the other I had never met and after we did he apparently didn't think I was worthy of his friendship and that one is the one that has me baffled.  It also makes me wonder if I am that bad of a person.  Just kidding I know I am not because a co worker texted me today and told me what her son said.

So until I get an answer as to why and when single men stop needing single women as a friend I will cling to the words of a young man - "Miss Adriana is so sweet and so nice Mama".

Cicadas....what?!

So I started walking out to my car a few weeks ago and would hear this vibrating like sound.  So I looked for wire lines and there was nothing.  I would look around to see who was making the sound and there would be nobody around.  Also, keep in mind the sound would stop and start in different areas as I walked to my car.

I thought two things:  1.  I was imagining things or 2. there was something strange going on.

Then one morning someone was in the parking lot with me and I asked them if they heard that sound.  To which they promptly responded no and I thought great I am going crazy.  Then they said oh wait, the cicadas?  I said the what?!  

I have learned all I ever wanted to know about them.  They are large insects some grow over 1 ½ inches. Their color varies depending upon their species and many are brown or green.  They have bulging eyes and, on adults, wings that are held roof-like over the body. The wings are semi-transparent with thick wing veins. The majority of their life cycle is spent underground.  They can fly and when they do, they fly like a drunk driver.  When they emerge from the last nymphal stage they leave behind their skin.  Male cicadas are the guilty party for the sound or song they make to attract females.  I don't like it as I feel like a swarm of critters is coming.  Other people love that sound because it is home and it is soothing.

So today someone pointed out one to me or at least the shell - not the best picture but I finally saw a part of a cicada.  At least they told me it was the shell and I would not get very close to take the picture as I was grossed out.

In 7 Days

I will have been in Texas for 182 days or if you prefer 15,724,800 seconds, 262,800 minutes, 4368 hours, 182 days, 26 weeks, or 49.86% of 2018.

I have had fun being here and over all I am much happier.  Yet, lately I have been struggling with being home sick.  I miss the flexibility to get in my car and drive a couple of hours to see my family in Palm Desert, getting Milanesa or Ceviche at Enrique's, riding my bike to or around the beach, going to the movies with Wendy, my monthly dinners with Spencer, David and even sometimes Laura, the ocean smell and just the familiarity of being in a ward where I know people and people know me, I miss my longtime friends.  

OK so enough about that before my eyes need windshield wipers. 

I only have to drive 45 minutes or so to see my friends that have known me the longest and when I am there I feel super happy.  I am super grateful for technology that allows me to see pictures of what is going back home via IG, FB, and texts.  My niece Natalie and my brother Ken will be stopping by for a night on their way from GA to CA and I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to that.  I have not really been to the movies since January - wait I did see Dirty Dancing but does that count?  Yes, yes it does as I had never seen it, in it's entirety and it was good.  I have had some nice bike rides but now it is so hot and humid and I can't bring myself to go on a bike ride but apparently after 9/15 it should be cooler so I can ride then...ugh.  I do have a great ward it will just take time to make friends.  

So overall even though I do get homesick I do like living in Texas.  Today I was asked if I was going to make it (with the heat) or if I had thought of going back home yet.  I answered honestly  as follows:  I sometimes wonder if I am not going to melt but I have to believe I will make it - I like my life in TX too much to have to drive back to CA and not be happy there. 

There you go my one post in a while and it is a bag of mixed feelings.