Cancer Sucks!!!

I am experiencing a mixture of feelings ranging from relief, gratitude, anger, mad, sad, disappointment, happiness all at once.  

Relief - My friend never really complained at least I never heard her.  The one time she was in pain when I was with her she just acted normal and strong.   You see complaining was not her style.  So while I do not know how much pain and discomfort she was in - I know she had it and probably didn't share with anyone to not cause us worry or concern.  So I am relieved she is free from the pain that she was in. 

Gratitude - I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to meet her and become friends.  We had adventures and many laughing opportunities.  She was an example to me of patience, even temper and determination.  

I also feel gratitude that she had her family around and that she was not in pain for a long time.  Or was she?  I don't know I have mixed feelings.

Anger/Mad -  Nobody deserves cancer but specially not my dear friend.  I am angry she had to experience this in her mortal life.  She was too young to have this and had so much to yet accomplish.  Yet as I see the posts on FB about what an example she was I think - maybe she did accomplish what she needed to do by living her life the way she did and is needed on the other side.  

Sad/Disappointment -  I am sad this happened so quickly out of nowhere.  She did not feel well on October 2 and missed going out with us.  I got a text on October 7 that she was in the hospital and they had found masses in her lungs, liver and ovaries.  I so wanted this to not be true.  I experienced all these feelings then and I prayed and asked for a miracle.  I know that miracles do happen and I also knew that if anyone had a fighting spirit it was my friend.  I wanted this for her and her family as my heart broke when I visited her on the 8th at the hospital and her grandparents were there.  I saw their eyes tear up and they did such a great job at holding the tears back.  No parent or grandparent should outlive a child - but yet here they are experiencing this loss.  I know they have a testimony about the gospel and eternal families but even so the loss is real and painful.  So I am disappointed and sad we didn't have a miracle.

Happiness - I let the happiness sneak in because that is what she would want me to do.  She would want us to be happy and not cry.  I know that because on Friday, October 27 we had a little talk, along with our other friend.  Her sister had cut her hair and she looked absolutely adorable.  We had Marco Poloed and I thought - there is my sweet friend smiling and looking good.  We are gonna beat this.  Yet that night after dinner when we were back at her place we had moments of silence and that of course bothered me because we usually just talked non stop and laughed or had deep serious talks.  Yet this night for me it felt uncomfortable because we or at least she and I had not talked talked.  So we did and we broke down and cried.  She shared with us how she felt and we shared how we felt.  It was good for our souls.  I also told her I knew she'd have a lot of people asking how she was, what was the treatment, etc.  I however promised I would not do that, not because I didn't care but because I wanted her to have fun and feel like she could let herself escape to being normal and just have fun and laugh at my expense.  I also told her we would need her to tell us what she needed or if she wanted to vent and cry - she did a little that night but not much and she never did again to me at least.  

It has not been 24 hours since I got the call that she was not doing well but close to 12 from when I got the call that she had passed.  I cried a bit yesterday and a lot while writing this or while looking at pictures of her.  I miss my friend more.  I saw her on December 26, and was so grateful that she was able to attend the goodbye dinner for me.  I wondered how much effort it took for her to attend as there was many people there who had not seen her but loved her so much.  How could anyone not love her?  She was like someone posted an angel.

Last night as I drove home I wanted to find the nearest Rite Aid (does TX have them?) to get some ice cream, I also wanted crushed ice, I also wanted to go on a bike ride, and while I don't like frozen peas I also wanted to go buy some.   

I have not lost a  friend since my 20's and I am now remembering how painful it is  Except now that I am older I feel like it hurts even more because I realize even more that we here on borrowed time.  

I have not put my friends name in this post or picture out of respect for her family.  Just know that she was the kindest, most even tempered individual you could come across.  However, if you needed to be set straight or told her she couldn't do something she would show you she could and would also show you in a kind but determined way how you needed to do something. 

I love my friend and I am so grateful for the individual that she is and I am sad I will not see her in March like we planned.  However, the same song that was in my head on December 26 is back in my mind. 

When I think of these lyrics I think of how I need to take every opportunity to go on bike rides like we did for a season so that she can get a glimpse of me doing something that reminds me of her and brings me happiness:

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you 
For both of us - now it's up to you.....

And these lyrics are the ones I hope she knows - she has helped me try to be a better person.  Guess I now will have to ask myself what would she do? 

So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend