I wonder

Do you ever wonder if something you said you would do in the future was just part of a self fulfilling prophecy?
Growing up I did not like playing with dolls and saying they were my babies. I didn't like playing house and saying I was the mom. Instead I liked to play that I worked in an emergency room and  was a doctor or a cook in restaurant.
A few years ago ok maybe 10 years ago my doctor told me at the time that she didn't think I would be able to have kids and I wasn't schocked or sad. I was more like sounds good to me....it fits in my plan to not have children. I can adopt or marry someone who has children.
So now moving forward I am once again facing an OBGYN next week to discuss what treatment I want to proceed with. This time however, I am not with the frame of my mind that this is ok and it fits in my plan. Why? My never wanting to have kids tied to my never wanting to get married. My mom left my dad when I was about 5ish...and lived with my stepdad and eventually married after her divorce. My stepdad proved to my mom that the grass isn't always greener and she realized late in life that her one true love was my dad. Even as a small child I recognized the heartache of infidelity, divorce to the adults and to the child (me). I vowed I would never be a part of that or subject a child to that which is why I set in my head and heart that I would never marry or have children.
However, the past year I have really opened my heart to the idea of marriage. I have many couples who have been a good example to me of good marriages and I know it isn't easy.
While I am at an age where I think I would be out of my mind to have a child, I don't like realizing that I wont have that experience. Don't get me wrong I am a wimp so not sad about giving birth but just thinking wow I may never be a mom.
Yes, maybe I can marry someone who has children or adopt but I wonder and maybe just maybe by saying those previous words of I don't want to have a baby...if i was protecting myself from being sadder than I am about not having that option.